I've been sat here doodling my life map in my VDS Manager and I am quite surprised by what I have doodled...I think I am at that point in my life where I need to consider it carefully - but without too much caution - as over the years I think that I have complicated it way too much and given things that weren't so important too much worth.
I have some amazingly random thoughts when I let my mind just wander...sometimes I astound myself at what my head actually already knows but I hadn't yet realised, if that makes any sense at all!
I've given myself so much stress and heartache over the years trying to do what I thought I should be doing but because my heart wasn't in it, or the interest simply wasn't there, I just set myself up for failure time and time again and then berated myself over it. If I had actually just stopped for a moment and thought about it - in the same daydreamlike state I was this morning (so no actually heavy thinking required) - then it would have become apparent a long time ago!
I never wanted to do the exams, yes I want to expand my knowledge and experience but I can do that without the exams. I don't need the qualification (although it would have been nice to have attained) to do my job, I need the experience and that isn't something you can get out of a text book. Even getting the knowledge from the text book is only as valid as long as the text book is in date, and these things get updated on a yearly basis! Things change, laws change, new Acts are brought into force and these are something that you learn as you go along - just because it said it was so in a text book from two years ago doesn't make it right today. Why has it taken me so long to figure this out? I no longer have to procrastinate so much! It really was a block for me, stopped me doing anything other than find excuses on why I couldn't sit down and study.
Anyway, moving forward and with the whole exam saga now gone I wonder what it is I will fill my time with? Now I can concentrate on what I actually want to do with my time - I feel such a relief and also at a bit of a loss, it has been my life for so long that I'm not sure what to do with it now!
I need a plan. I now need to draw up a list of things I like to do, things I want to do, things I now have time to do! I almost feel as though I have been given a second chance to live my life...how dramatic does that sound?! Lol. I really feel as though I have broken free of the guilt chains that encased me...I wouldn't bet that now they are no longer there I will probably sit down and read the text book just for interest...there are no longer any pressures to remember what I've read or learnt and there is just my curiosity of the how, what, when and where's of the industry that I have been involved in for so long. That would just be bloody typical of me! It's probably not the stress of having to learn it but the pressure of knowing there was an exam at the end!! Be interesting to see if this actually happens.
So, on with life and what to do with it, what do I actually love to do? What would I like to do? I don't think I really have any hobbies, I was always feeling as though I 'should be doing the other thing' instead so I haven't really done anything else - I am a Master in the Art of Procrastination though!!
I have done quite a bit of soul searching over the last few months but those 'goals' have now changed so I am back to square one.
Onward and most definitely upward, I will be back with an update as soon as I have one!
Until next time, take care xxx
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