Onward and Upward

For anyone following my updates on the withdrawal of the medication...it isn't going well.  I have succumbed to taking another one as I have just felt so lousy over the last few weeks that I just couldn't take any more of feeling like a complete zombie.  The tablets for the dizziness and nausea did little to help and I could feel myself starting to fall back down the rabbit hole - and I don't want to go back there either so being stuck between a rock and a hard place I went for the tablet.  

On the upside I now feel almost human again...on the downside I feel like I have failed.  I have far too much going on in my head at the moment to listen to myself - my husband has likened my brain to a plasma ball with a million and one things just reaching out and getting nowhere and the tablet is like putting your finger on the ball and getting just that one strong stream of light while all the others calm down - I couldn't have put it better myself because that is exactly what I was feeling.  So much activity going on that it was just a jumbled mess and I was losing my concentration and skill to even complete a sentence. 

Too many thoughts!!

I have had a half a tablet and I am feeling so much better!!  The dizziness and nausea has subsided and my mind is feeling so much calmer.  It will give me time and space to think about how I am going to get off these damn things once and for all.

More focussed and calmer

I have such issues with being on anti-depressants...I don't know why, maybe I think it makes me feel weak, I am not depressed and I don't honestly think I ever have been.  Sure, I've been fed up and frustrated but haven't we all?  I think they are incorrectly named.  They should be called something a little less stigmatised - something a little less traumatic - to feel like this in the first place the last thing you want to be diagnosed with is being depressed, kind of gives it an edge over you and I for one do not like anything or anyone having anything over me!

We have decided to rename them and have come up with a few - 'The Conductor' as it conducts that mass array of electrical impulses into a steady stream of light - 'The Resistor' as is makes the electrical current calmer and dampens the frenzy - I like 'The Foreman' as it gets the job done and streamlines the havoc of the weevils - I like the idea of getting my thoughts running in a straight line again to enable me to deal with the demons that are the cause of all the chaos.

I am now feeling as though I have made some mistakes in 2014, doing the Life Coach course has brought up many many mixed feelings and thoughts over things that I thought I should, would, could or might be doing - I already had enough thoughts going on before all this too!  I thought that it would help me to figure out the true thoughts from the false ones but all it seems to have done is made them all even more muddled up.  I feel as though I have to start all over again this year and maybe instead of concentrating - or trying to - on what I think I want from my career I should concentrate on getting my mind, body and soul sorted out first because at the moment they all feel as though they are squabbling constantly!  

Nothing is making any sense and the route that I am currently on is, quite frankly, boring me to death!!  I have lost the passion for my career (and am even questioning whether it was there to begin with!).  Which leaves me with a slight dilemma...

My main goal for now is to get myself working properly, I still want to be that 'sassy girl' I have in my head but she's only around when the 'fat frumpy useless one' allows her to be so first thing is first - 'fat frumpy useless one' has to go!!!  No question about that!

So this is where the gym, the healthy eating and the yoga are coming into play.  I don't think I can do much more than that but it will take time to restore the damage that FFUO has done (and been allowed to do!) but I am determined to get rid of FFUO and become TSO as soon as possible. 

I also think that once TSO is here then the career will start to evolve.  I will then make a decision on whether to stay or go, make or break, it isn't the end of the world if I realise that this isn't actually what I choose to do any more or that I realise that it is what I want to continue to do.  At this very precise moment in time I am not able to make that decision as all I really want to do is live under the duvet with my eyes tight shut...and that is not a reality I want for myself either.

So I need to get the sassy pants on and kick the arse of the FFUO.  Step one!

I am also going to try and simplify my life as much as I can.  I have left all the groups on Facebook and so haven't really bothered with it at all in the last couple of days.  Finding out what an old acquaintance from a previous life had for lunch is not really of any interest to me, I hate seeing all the news flashes on there too as it is always depressing stuff - never any happy stories, have you noticed that?  So I feel as though that has freed up quite a lot of wasted time which gives me time to do other stuff that makes me happy.

Being the nerd that I am, it was syncing my VDS (Van Der Spek) planners today and making pretty stickers for my yoga and gym sessions, whatever floats your boat right?  

Onward and upward is the only way to go.

Until next time, take care xx