Life Mapping in my VDS

I've been sat here doodling my life map in my VDS Manager and I am quite surprised by what I have doodled...I think I am at that point in my life where I need to consider it carefully - but without too much caution - as over the years I think that I have complicated it way too much and given things that weren't so important too much worth.

I have some amazingly random thoughts when I let my mind just wander...sometimes I astound myself at what my head actually already knows but I hadn't yet realised, if that makes any sense at all!

I've given myself so much stress and heartache over the years trying to do what I thought I should be doing but because my heart wasn't in it, or the interest simply wasn't there, I just set myself up for failure time and time again and then berated myself over it.  If I had actually just stopped for a moment and thought about it - in the same daydreamlike state I was this morning (so no actually heavy thinking required) - then it would have become apparent a long time ago!  

I never wanted to do the exams, yes I want to expand my knowledge and experience but I can do that without the exams.  I don't need the qualification (although it would have been nice to have attained) to do my job, I need the experience and that isn't something you can get out of a text book.  Even getting the knowledge from the text book is only as valid as long as the text book is in date, and these things get updated on a yearly basis!  Things change, laws change, new Acts are brought into force and these are something that you learn as you go along - just because it said it was so in a text book from two years ago doesn't make it right today.  Why has it taken me so long to figure this out?  I no longer have to procrastinate so much!  It really was a block for me, stopped me doing anything other than find excuses on why I couldn't sit down and study.

Anyway, moving forward and with the whole exam saga now gone I wonder what it is I will fill my time with?  Now I can concentrate on what I actually want to do with my time - I feel such a relief and also at a bit of a loss, it has been my life for so long that I'm not sure what to do with it now!

I need a plan.  I now need to draw up a list of things I like to do, things I want to do, things I now have time to do!  I almost feel as though I have been given a second chance to live my life...how dramatic does that sound?!  Lol.  I really feel as though I have broken free of the guilt chains that encased me...I wouldn't bet that now they are no longer there I will probably sit down and read the text book just for interest...there are no longer any pressures to remember what I've read or learnt and there is just my curiosity of the how, what, when and where's of the industry that I have been involved in for so long.  That would just be bloody typical of me!  It's probably not the stress of having to learn it but the pressure of knowing there was an exam at the end!!  Be interesting to see if this actually happens.

So, on with life and what to do with it, what do I actually love to do?  What would I like to do?  I don't think I really have any hobbies, I was always feeling as though I 'should be doing the other thing' instead so I haven't really done anything else - I am a Master in the Art of Procrastination though!!

I have done quite a bit of soul searching over the last few months but those 'goals' have now changed so I am back to square one.  

Onward and most definitely upward, I will be back with an update as soon as I have one!

Until next time, take care xxx

New Template for the VDS Manager

I was playing around with templates the other day and I think this one came from the Philofaxy website and I have changed it to the way I wanted it and one that will help me do an overview on a monthly basis, and hold me accountable for some goals I want to achieve this year.  I have printed them out and put them in my VDS Manager which really does seem to be working for me in that it is a 'me' planner.

This planner is so special to me, it makes me want to use it and I just love how it does that!  None of my other planners had that bond...I don't know why.  Maybe it is the softness of the leather, the smell, the overall feel of pure luxury...it's just a very special planner and I love it and love using it.

Onto the template...

A simple front page

The right hand page

On the left as you can see is an overview of goals for the month (personal and work), key events and a reminder to do section and on the right is a breakdown of what I did that month - water intake, Yoga, Gym and Me time (which includes anything from taking time out to be creative, going for a walk, having a long soak in the bath...anything that makes me feel good) and also habits to start, continue and stop.  I like the section for review and reflection, I'm looking forward to using that and seeing how it works out.

In the planning stage I couldn't help but put in the birthdays and anniversary's and other bits and pieces like going on the booked holiday and concerts...complete with little pictures!  I am a very visual person and I like to see lots of images and photographs in my planners - not so much stickers and washi, the images have to mean something - like when my eldest son went to university and we had our photo taken outside his new Hall's - that photo went into my every day carry planner (which is another VDS in Senior size), or the tickets for the concert, they have also gone into my planner along with the flight confirmation booking slip - all reduced in size and put into my planner as a memento.  I'm not sure why I do that as I don't keep the pages once the year is out but they are nice to have in there for the time being.  

I do have a separate journal and those things that are special and in my planner are duplicated into my journal too and that's for keeps.

I think I may take the diary section out of my VDS and put it into another planner as this really has evolved into just all about me, the sections are not really time specific like a diary and it is a lovely place to be able to dip in and out of as and when, although it does seem to be almost a daily thing at the moment!

Thinking cap on...

Until next time, take care xxx

Slimline Regency Filofax

Oops I may have just purchased another filofax...but I could not resist how good it felt in my hands and it came empty which actually pleased me as I don't like any of the filofax inserts and end up just hording them anyway.

I have no idea what I'm going to use this for, if at all, but it was all lonesome on the shelf and just called to me....yeah, that's what happened :)

The polar bear is back :)

Handmade shopping lists

Sparkly gold dividers

I think it will work well as a list holder but I don't think I really need it, but it doesn't take up much room in my bag and it would be good for those throw away lists that you sometimes need when food shopping or for those lists of ingredients to make a meal and having room for a pen to mark off the items is good to have, plus it has pockets for those coupons that fill up your purse! And even the loyalty cards for the points - see I am selling it to myself already!

I just feels good to hold, what more can you ask for? And the rings are so tiny that it can't be stuffed or used for any other purpose as far as I can see.  It's either just a diary and nothing else or just has notepaper for lists.  Either way, I think it's sophisticated but cute :)

Until next time, take care xxx

Game over

I have to be honest and say that I have loved feeling 'normal' again for the last couple of days and I have decided that as bitter a pill (excuse the pun) it is for me to swallow to take the medication, so be it...I have a choice - to be miserable and feeling lousy or feeling normal...not much of a deal breaker is it!

I am hopeful that there will come a time that I can come off them with no/little side effects but until then I am finding it hard to justify living like that for the sake of not wanting to take the little sucker.

So that's the end of that journey for now...short and not very sweet at all!

Until next time, take care xxx

Onward and Upward

For anyone following my updates on the withdrawal of the medication...it isn't going well.  I have succumbed to taking another one as I have just felt so lousy over the last few weeks that I just couldn't take any more of feeling like a complete zombie.  The tablets for the dizziness and nausea did little to help and I could feel myself starting to fall back down the rabbit hole - and I don't want to go back there either so being stuck between a rock and a hard place I went for the tablet.  

On the upside I now feel almost human again...on the downside I feel like I have failed.  I have far too much going on in my head at the moment to listen to myself - my husband has likened my brain to a plasma ball with a million and one things just reaching out and getting nowhere and the tablet is like putting your finger on the ball and getting just that one strong stream of light while all the others calm down - I couldn't have put it better myself because that is exactly what I was feeling.  So much activity going on that it was just a jumbled mess and I was losing my concentration and skill to even complete a sentence. 

Too many thoughts!!

I have had a half a tablet and I am feeling so much better!!  The dizziness and nausea has subsided and my mind is feeling so much calmer.  It will give me time and space to think about how I am going to get off these damn things once and for all.

More focussed and calmer

I have such issues with being on anti-depressants...I don't know why, maybe I think it makes me feel weak, I am not depressed and I don't honestly think I ever have been.  Sure, I've been fed up and frustrated but haven't we all?  I think they are incorrectly named.  They should be called something a little less stigmatised - something a little less traumatic - to feel like this in the first place the last thing you want to be diagnosed with is being depressed, kind of gives it an edge over you and I for one do not like anything or anyone having anything over me!

We have decided to rename them and have come up with a few - 'The Conductor' as it conducts that mass array of electrical impulses into a steady stream of light - 'The Resistor' as is makes the electrical current calmer and dampens the frenzy - I like 'The Foreman' as it gets the job done and streamlines the havoc of the weevils - I like the idea of getting my thoughts running in a straight line again to enable me to deal with the demons that are the cause of all the chaos.

I am now feeling as though I have made some mistakes in 2014, doing the Life Coach course has brought up many many mixed feelings and thoughts over things that I thought I should, would, could or might be doing - I already had enough thoughts going on before all this too!  I thought that it would help me to figure out the true thoughts from the false ones but all it seems to have done is made them all even more muddled up.  I feel as though I have to start all over again this year and maybe instead of concentrating - or trying to - on what I think I want from my career I should concentrate on getting my mind, body and soul sorted out first because at the moment they all feel as though they are squabbling constantly!  

Nothing is making any sense and the route that I am currently on is, quite frankly, boring me to death!!  I have lost the passion for my career (and am even questioning whether it was there to begin with!).  Which leaves me with a slight dilemma...

My main goal for now is to get myself working properly, I still want to be that 'sassy girl' I have in my head but she's only around when the 'fat frumpy useless one' allows her to be so first thing is first - 'fat frumpy useless one' has to go!!!  No question about that!

So this is where the gym, the healthy eating and the yoga are coming into play.  I don't think I can do much more than that but it will take time to restore the damage that FFUO has done (and been allowed to do!) but I am determined to get rid of FFUO and become TSO as soon as possible. 

I also think that once TSO is here then the career will start to evolve.  I will then make a decision on whether to stay or go, make or break, it isn't the end of the world if I realise that this isn't actually what I choose to do any more or that I realise that it is what I want to continue to do.  At this very precise moment in time I am not able to make that decision as all I really want to do is live under the duvet with my eyes tight shut...and that is not a reality I want for myself either.

So I need to get the sassy pants on and kick the arse of the FFUO.  Step one!

I am also going to try and simplify my life as much as I can.  I have left all the groups on Facebook and so haven't really bothered with it at all in the last couple of days.  Finding out what an old acquaintance from a previous life had for lunch is not really of any interest to me, I hate seeing all the news flashes on there too as it is always depressing stuff - never any happy stories, have you noticed that?  So I feel as though that has freed up quite a lot of wasted time which gives me time to do other stuff that makes me happy.

Being the nerd that I am, it was syncing my VDS (Van Der Spek) planners today and making pretty stickers for my yoga and gym sessions, whatever floats your boat right?  

Onward and upward is the only way to go.

Until next time, take care xx

My Word For 2015 is...

I did it, I found my word!  It encompasses everything I want to achieve and become by the end of 2015.  It describes perfectly the vision I have in my head of the person I feel I am supposed to be, the person I used to be that got lost along the way somewhere.  I don't know what happened, I don't know where I lost her but this is the person that I long to be again.  This is the person who takes life by the balls and doesn't let go, she is the one that gets things done and isn't afraid of that horrible word 'failure' because to her, there is no such word.  Failure is a word that falls into the same category as supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...something that is able to make you feel bad - or good (as the latter one does) but only if you let it.  She's brave, courageous, optimistic, confident, healthy, happy and just well...badass!!  I want to be her!!!  Again.

For me, this word is simply...

  

This workbook by Susannah Conway is fast becoming my favourite, it 'speaks' to me and allows me to truly listen to what my heart is telling me.  I have now printed it all out and it has its own section in my VDS Manager - it has its work cut out for it this year!!  There's a lot of soul searching going on and a lot of hopes and dreams being realised and planned out. 

Here are a few of the pages from the workbook, which is available here:

I have to admit that I am really enjoying 'meeting me' and finding out what it is I really want to be isn't that what all these workbooks are for?  Although that said, I hope I don't have to do this every year, I am hoping that once I 'get it' then I can continue on with my life without having to do all this soul searching again and that I will be happy with the person I have become and can sustain whatever it is that gets me to that point, be it a healthier lifestyle, sticking with using the gym instead of just having a membership (we've all be there right!?) and that I have developed a method of study that actually works meaning that I pass the exams I need to get the qualification I need to succeed in my career - when you think about it like that, it really isn't rocket science is it?  It is a case of getting that determination and keeping the motivation to get you to the place you want to be AND STAY THERE!!

So why is that we all seem to know what we want, and roughly what we have to do to get there and yet we don't?  In this day and age it isn't really a case of finance in the most part - exercise you can do for free!  Even learning can be done on the cheap if you look for it - I have just got a course to do a CBT Diploma for £39 when it should have been £600!!  The insurance exams I am doing are expensive - not as expensive as say doing a degree - and I have got the company I work for to pay for it.  Even doing a degree is doable if you are able to quit your day job and go for the student finance option - it isn't something to take on without a LOT of thought but if you really want to do it you could get a part time job to ease the pressure as most full time courses don't actually seem to be full time.  The thing is we can all cope somehow when we have to, if you suddenly lost your job then you would have to find a way to make ends meet.  It's just not that easy to give it up voluntarily to go back to education, which is sad when most people I know would love to have that opportunity to create the life they dream of.  I have a few friends that did just that, gave up good well paying jobs to go back to education and get the qualification they needed to do the dream job - hats off to them, it isn't something to be taken lightly, but they did it and now they are in their dream jobs and loving it.

It's a LOT harder when you don't actually know what your dream job is.  Like me, if I absolutely categorically knew what it was I wanted to do then I would move heaven and earth to make sure that I got it but I don't and that's why I wont take any risks...and that's why I'm not doing the job that I dream about...I don't hate my job so I am lucky in that respect but I'm not so sure that it is my dream one!!  It could be, I guess, once I have achieved my qualifications and could maybe move into another role that could become my dream job but we shall have to wait and see if that happens...in the meantime my dream job may appear to me and then I'll have to re-evaluate everything I thought I'd done to set off down another path.

For now I am happy to have realised what I need to do for now, this present moment.  Beyond that, I have no idea!!

And as a quick update on the withdrawal of the Sertraline....almost two weeks now and I am still having dizzy spells which I think are subsiding a little, or that could be down to the Cinnarizine.  I have stopped taking the 5HTP as the two together are not playing nice for me.  Fingers crossed that I am now over the worst and I will be feeling human again very soon!  I will not let this dampen my spirit, I've got too much to do!!

Until next time, take care xxx

Unravelling 2015

This week is not so good.  I've had to cancel my exercise classes as I am feeling terrible.  I am suffering with the withdrawal of the medication and have had to get another prescription for tablets to counteract the effects!  It's like an ongoing vicious circle!!  I am also on 5HTP, fish oils and ginger...all to try and combat the effects of one very low dose of antidepressants, it would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating!!  I am sooooo tired, I feel as though I have been awake for days but I slept very well last night for a full 8 hours so I know it is the effects of the tablets.  

I am logging it all in my VDS Manager.  The lack of dots for exercise and study is quite saddening but quite frankly I am too tired to care at the moment.  'May cause drowsiness' is an understatement of mammoth proportions!

I have come across a 'Word for the year 2015' programme by Susannah Conway and you can find it here - I have downloaded all the worksheets and Mandela's and I think I have my 'word' so I will be cocooning myself away over the coming week-end and delving into it further.  I am so looking forward to that :)

These pages will be going into my A5 VDS with the lovely illustrated cover page:

I think that it fits in nicely with Leonie Dawson's Amazing Life and LimeTree Fruit's beautifully illustrated monthly planner pages that are here and by the end of the year I am going to have an awesome journal type planner to look back on and reflect as I head into 2016 (I know, I'm a bit ahead of myself but still...)  

This is all fabulously compatible with Carie Harlings, 'What's your Why Not?' which is what got me started on this whole path of self-wonder and opportunities in the first place!!

All these tools are helping me to look deeper into myself and trying to figure out what means the most to me, what makes me function, what makes me tick, what lights my fire...you get the idea.

This year I am going to discover who I truly am.

Until next time, take care xxx

Happy 2015 - both VDS Planners set up :)

Oh boy have I ached this week!!  Sunday's yoga class left me with aches and pains in my shoulders and my abs...which I guess is a good thing as it means those muscles have been worked but oh my...I felt like I had done more of a workout than the gently relaxing yoga class I thought I was going to!!

Never mind, regardless I booked in again for Monday (and did that make my poor abs hurt even more!) and Sunday.  The timetable is all messed up due to the festive period but once the New Year starts it settles down to a Saturday, Monday and Wednesday.  Tuesday, Thursday and Friday I intend on using the gym and Sunday is a day of rest!!

I am loving all these dots in my planner :)  It is making me feel quite accomplished.  I am adding another colour - orange - for study time (and I have one of those already too!) and now also yellow for the exercise bike as that has come back indoors now the Christmas Decorations have all gone.  I am hoping by the end of the month I would have got into the routine and have a pretty rainbow of colour to show for it - along with better measurements, weight and knowledge!  Hopefully by then I would have submitted a couple more assignments too!!

Week of Christmas, joined the gym on the 24th and started on the 26th

This was last week, it was closed on Thursday for New Year

I am not kidding myself, this is going to be a tough year but I think a truly rewarding one if I can stick to my guns...not only that but I am planning on saving some money too (which lunchtime study should help with, working in a city is not good for the bank balance!).

I was a little concerned about where I would get my 'highs' from - being a self confessed shopaholic, but I am going to re-focus these concerns to getting my highs from the lows on the scales and tape measure!!  All the clothes in my wardrobe that still have the tickets on that will soon fit will be my 'free shopping trip' and I will obviously have the feeling of satisfaction that it is all working to plan and I am losing weight, getting fit and acquiring knowledge all the time...yeah, I have a bit of work to do in convincing myself that's going to work!!  I love shopping, it is what I was born to do!!  

Would be nicer though I think to be able to save some pennies and reward myself for being a good girl...mentally and physically...I'm going to give it a go and see how it works out.

I have started on the diet too, fat-free greek yoghurt, bran flakes and a banana for breakfast instead of my usual packet of doritos!  For lunch I have quinoa salad made up of celery, apple, walnut pieces, cucumber, raw mushroom and a little bit of cubed cheese.  It's filling but not quite the chicken caesar wrap that I normally have!  Even the beverages are changing from coffee to herbal tea and although I'm not really that keen on herbal teas I have found that I quite like the Three Tulsi Tea and it's supposed to be pretty good for you.

I wonder if I have changed too much too quick, only time will tell I guess but for now I am coping pretty well.  I gave up smoking nearly three years ago and I don't drink alcohol at all - I don't like it, I wish I could say the same for chocolate!!  Hmmmm chocolate!

This year is seeing changes.  I have booked a holiday for a whole week!!  I normally don't do this and just take odd days here and there making up long week-ends but I don't think I am getting the benefit of a rest so after a very short discussion with hubby I have booked for a week in Cyprus!  My parents live there so we will be staying with them.  I cannot wait!!  It has also had an impact on the fitness, I really want to look and feel great by the time we go - even hubby has joined in for this!  The last few times I have been I hate all the photographs...I want to have a good pic this time!!

I have now set up my VDS Senior for the new year, I haven't had the chance to do it until now and my eldest was also home from Uni camping out in my little study so I didn't really have the space either.  He went back yesterday and within an hour my little study was back to normal and so I got started organising and planning, I am very happy with the result :)  It is feeling quite chunky now that I have a full year of calendar inserts in there!  I love it!!

Last week, not too much going on

Next week's fitness planning - all classes are booked!

All I have left to do today is prepare the lunches for next week and have a long hot bubble bath to celebrate my accomplishments this week and think about what I'd like to achieve next week :)  Baby steps, just one week at a time - a new thing I am trying rather than overwhelm myself with a zillion and one things that need to be done!

I decided last week to come off the medication I was taking, anti-depressants, and that in itself is taking its toll on me.  They never tell you at the beginning that in order to get off these you will feel worse than you did when you started taking them!  I wish I had done the research back then...the withdrawal symptoms are awful - the dizzy spells and feelings of depersonalisation are hard to handle. I am trying to keep it real, keep it achievable and take it easy on myself for the next few weeks until it has subsided, I have read that it can take up to 3 months but I'm hoping it wont take that long as I was on such a low dose anyway but still....we shall see.  I will be tracking it all - the good and the bad - in my planner and hopefully I will start to see more good than bad soon.

Until next time, take care xxx