Changing directions

At what point in my life did I become any less important than the next person?  I am not sure how this happened but it seemingly did and I am not good with that.  I don't know why it has taken me so long to realise that this was happening but now that I have noticed it I kind of wish I hadn't because everyone seems to be doing it!!

I think I am at that point in my life - let's call it a mid-life crisis if we have to label it - where I am not happy with the way my life has turned out.  Please do not get me wrong, I have got a great life in the most part, wonderful family, good job and some good friends...but - and here is comes - this is not the life I had envisioned for myself.

Therein lies the biggest problem I have ever had - how do you deal with your own visions that never materialised?  Time has ticked on without me even realising that I was never getting any closer to those dreams and goals...then all of a sudden it is like something has erupted in my head, I am no closer to the finish line than I was when I started.

I am not the person that I thought I would be.

For a long time I thought that the qualifications were what would make me succeed and be the person that I thought I wanted to be - this apparently is not the case at all.  All that time I have wasted following a dream that quite frankly is older than I care to mention.  Not only that but it seems to have died a long time ago and I would just not accept that it wasn't meant to be.  

All that time that I could have spent following a new dream, a new goal, a new direction...wasted.

Now I am at that time of my life when I seem to be frantically looking around desperate to fill the void of the old dream...ok I have accepted that I am not going to be the academic success that I wanted to be but that's fine, I actually hate studying with a passion.  Academic I have never been so why I forced myself down that particular path I'll never understand.  I'm more of a hands on type of person, I like to learn by doing and unless it is something I am passionate about I will never learn by reading.  It just falls out of my head immediately!

I need to give myself a break.  I have one last assignment to do by Tuesday - my personality will not allow me to just give up - so I am just finishing this one last coursework assignment and then that's it - unless I pass it and then I'll have to do the final exam too.  Regardless of whether I pass that, I have decided that I am not continuing with this qualification.  It has already cost me too much of my life.

Roll on Monday which is when I have set my deadline - Sunday would be better as I have got Monday off for Study Leave from work and it would be just awesome to have had it finished and submitted so I can spend the day actually relaxing and having a good think about what I want my new future to look like!

I know that I want to be more energetic, to be able to do things without having the burden of being too tired or feeling too fat - both of which I think can be addressed by getting my lardy arse down to the gym that I pay for on a monthly basis!  I feel unfit.  Fat.  Frumpy.  And old.  I don't need to feel any of those things...not for a few decades anyway!

I want to be able to pull on my leathers easily and hop onto my bike, load it up with a picnic and go off somewhere with my hubby,  At the moment, it is all I can do to squeeze into my boots!!  This has GOT to be addressed immediately!!  So that is where I will start.