Just musing....

I'm feeling kinda melancholy.  I've found it very interesting wandering around Manchester people-watching today.  People are fascinating creatures aren't they?  Especially here in the City as there are many different cultures due to the large universities situated here.  I love people watching, I love just sitting there with a coffee in hand and mulling over happenings of the previous days, weeks, months and that of the future.

An amazing thought struck me today...and then another!  The first was to do with confidence (or in my case, lack of) and I wondered what confidence actually is, what is the definition of confidence and where do you get it?

Definition (according to the Oxford Dictionary):

• The feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
• The state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
• A feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.

So a reliance, a certainty and capability?

All of those things can be acquired through some kind of learning. Education and knowledge seems to be the key elements of confidence - unless you're one of the lucky ones that can just fake it!  I am not one of those lucky ones sadly.

I was thinking about my own situation at work.  When I am under stress or having a busy period I don't have the time to doubt myself - questions are asked and answered without hesitation.  When a colleague refers something to me for help, I immediately know how to help.  When a client calls for an update or confirmation of something I can answer without question.  On quite a few occassions I have even surprised myself when my mouth opens and all this knowledge comes out that I didn't even realise I knew!!  It's as though it is all lurking under a blanket of doubt...I need to burn that blanket!

So where does this air of confidence come from?  How come I sometimes have it and sometimes don't?  I have noticed that I rely heavily on others for affirmation that I have 'got it', that I understand what I am doing even though I know that I do.  When I am working alone at lunchtime or during a heavy holiday season it doesn't worry me in any way, I handle every situation without having to rely on anyone.  This is because I already know the answers.  This is frustrating that I resort to being so 'needy' when I am surrounded by others, as if I don't trust myself to get it right...why is that?  (I must be quite irritating to work with and this is something I need to put a stop to!).

So to summarise, if I actually pick up the text books that I have got already and actually study them I will become more knowledgeable in my field of work, I will know more and I should, by rights, become more confident, right?  I have the tools to put this right and I need to do this to prove to myself that I am just as good as anyone else and I don't need to constantly need reassurance...because if they weren't there in the first place I wouldn't even need to ask!!

The other thought that I had was 'why does the most obvious take so long to realise'?  All this time I have berated myself for lacking such confidence and the answers were there all along.  If knowledge means confidence then all I have had to do is obtain the knowledge!!  Simples.

Ok so fast forward to having sorted out the study schedule and found the extra two hours a day that I really need to get a grip on this and I have successfully sat all four exams that will lead me to my next qualification - yes I say next because I already have two that I seem to keep forgetting about!!  I have those letters after my name but I still refuse to believe that I am capable and knowledgeable...go figure!

Now what?  It may get me a slight salary increase, it may help me to feel more confident in my approach but I don't think there is anywhere for me to go with it in my current company, which is a real shame as I love this company and the people who work here or are involved with my daily worklife (of course there are a couple of exceptions but that's life!).  So if there is little financial reward and no career progression reward, what's the point?

I don't want to swap jobs again, I just want to settle with a good caring company now (I'm no spring chicken!) but part of me doesn't want me to settle for less reward that I deserve...I would have put a lot of hard work into getting qualified and it doesn't seem fair or just that I should just have to settle...or am I seeing it wrong?  Am I asking too much?