I did it, I found my word! It encompasses everything I want to achieve and become by the end of 2015. It describes perfectly the vision I have in my head of the person I feel I am supposed to be, the person I used to be that got lost along the way somewhere. I don't know what happened, I don't know where I lost her but this is the person that I long to be again. This is the person who takes life by the balls and doesn't let go, she is the one that gets things done and isn't afraid of that horrible word 'failure' because to her, there is no such word. Failure is a word that falls into the same category as supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...something that is able to make you feel bad - or good (as the latter one does) but only if you let it. She's brave, courageous, optimistic, confident, healthy, happy and just well...badass!! I want to be her!!! Again.
For me, this word is simply...
This workbook by Susannah Conway is fast becoming my favourite, it 'speaks' to me and allows me to truly listen to what my heart is telling me. I have now printed it all out and it has its own section in my VDS Manager - it has its work cut out for it this year!! There's a lot of soul searching going on and a lot of hopes and dreams being realised and planned out.
Here are a few of the pages from the workbook, which is available here:
I have to admit that I am really enjoying 'meeting me' and finding out what it is I really want to be isn't that what all these workbooks are for? Although that said, I hope I don't have to do this every year, I am hoping that once I 'get it' then I can continue on with my life without having to do all this soul searching again and that I will be happy with the person I have become and can sustain whatever it is that gets me to that point, be it a healthier lifestyle, sticking with using the gym instead of just having a membership (we've all be there right!?) and that I have developed a method of study that actually works meaning that I pass the exams I need to get the qualification I need to succeed in my career - when you think about it like that, it really isn't rocket science is it? It is a case of getting that determination and keeping the motivation to get you to the place you want to be AND STAY THERE!!
So why is that we all seem to know what we want, and roughly what we have to do to get there and yet we don't? In this day and age it isn't really a case of finance in the most part - exercise you can do for free! Even learning can be done on the cheap if you look for it - I have just got a course to do a CBT Diploma for £39 when it should have been £600!! The insurance exams I am doing are expensive - not as expensive as say doing a degree - and I have got the company I work for to pay for it. Even doing a degree is doable if you are able to quit your day job and go for the student finance option - it isn't something to take on without a LOT of thought but if you really want to do it you could get a part time job to ease the pressure as most full time courses don't actually seem to be full time. The thing is we can all cope somehow when we have to, if you suddenly lost your job then you would have to find a way to make ends meet. It's just not that easy to give it up voluntarily to go back to education, which is sad when most people I know would love to have that opportunity to create the life they dream of. I have a few friends that did just that, gave up good well paying jobs to go back to education and get the qualification they needed to do the dream job - hats off to them, it isn't something to be taken lightly, but they did it and now they are in their dream jobs and loving it.
It's a LOT harder when you don't actually know what your dream job is. Like me, if I absolutely categorically knew what it was I wanted to do then I would move heaven and earth to make sure that I got it but I don't and that's why I wont take any risks...and that's why I'm not doing the job that I dream about...I don't hate my job so I am lucky in that respect but I'm not so sure that it is my dream one!! It could be, I guess, once I have achieved my qualifications and could maybe move into another role that could become my dream job but we shall have to wait and see if that happens...in the meantime my dream job may appear to me and then I'll have to re-evaluate everything I thought I'd done to set off down another path.
For now I am happy to have realised what I need to do for now, this present moment. Beyond that, I have no idea!!
And as a quick update on the withdrawal of the Sertraline....almost two weeks now and I am still having dizzy spells which I think are subsiding a little, or that could be down to the Cinnarizine. I have stopped taking the 5HTP as the two together are not playing nice for me. Fingers crossed that I am now over the worst and I will be feeling human again very soon! I will not let this dampen my spirit, I've got too much to do!!
Until next time, take care xxx
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